I Survived 93 Days on a Desert Island with Only My Wits and an Endless Supply of Lindt Excellence Dark 90% Cocoa
A humorous, fictional desert island survival diary of a food critic stranded for 93 days with nothing but his wits and Lindt Excellence Dark 90% Cocoa bars.
I have a theory that people who like to fantasize about desert island scenarios watch too much TV. I haven’t conducted any formal research, but I’m pretty sure nomadic tribes don’t dream about such things because they are too busy hunting and herding and maintaining their yurts. Ain’t nobody on the Mongolian steppe got no time for Survivor season 42!
And yet, we coddled, sensitive souls just love to create imaginary “desert island” playlists, we love survival games like Rust and Don’t Starve, and we just can’t seem to flip the channel when we happen to catch a grizzled, emaciated Tom Hanks talking to a volleyball, can we? Bear Grylls? More like Barely know how to Grill, am I right?
So, in the interest of public service, I would like to share the harrowing (made-up) story of a desert island survivor that came to me in a series of bottles that washed up on the shore of my hotdesk, containing the actual fictional journal entries of a raving madman, scrawled in questionable penmanship on the backs of Lindt Excellence Dark 90% Cocoa wrappers. This is in the hopes of perhaps disabusing some of you reckless readers of your dangerous delusions about life in the wild. I’m warning you: you can’t just believe everything you see on Gilligan’s Island.
Ain’t nobody on the Mongolian steppe got no time for Survivor season 42!
Day 4: My name is Samuel Max Hardy and I am a food critic for the online blog, “The Rumble in My Tummy.” My plane crashed en route from Reno to Costa Rica and I am stranded with only the items from my carry-on knapsack and a massive container of Lindt Excellence Dark 90% Cocoa chocolate bars which apparently preceded my arrival. I have begun pondering my life choices on this forsaken island, but once my regular readers notice the lack of my regular Tuesday upload, I am hopeful they will arrange a rescue party.
Day 7: I’m pleased that the cocoa provides antioxidants and is packed with enough vital nutrients to sustain the energy needed for foraging and exploration. Some of the wreckage from my plane has begun to wash ashore and I have constructed a temporary hut out of the toilet cabin and some palm leaves.
Day 16: I have learned to harness the reflective qualities of the Lindt’s foil wrapping to quickly start fires. The high cocoa content makes the chocolate itself highly flammable and using the cardboard outer wrapping as kindling, I have effectively implemented the island’s first net zero waste protocol.
Day 29: I’m furious with myself! A plane flew overhead at night and I missed my opportunity by not having prepared a large enough light source to signal to the pilot. On the bright side, I have now compiled enough recipes involving Lindt Excellence Dark 90% Cocoa to offer them as exclusive content to patrons of the blog for just $5 a month.
I have effectively implemented the island’s first net zero waste protocol.
Day 43: I have awarded myself my first Michelin star for my latest creation: Lindt glazed coconut scallops. The deep and velvety dark chocolate drizzle brings out the scallop’s natural creaminess, when prepared in a sea salt and cocounut water reduction.
Day 60: I’m convinced that the enhanced focus from the profound cocoa flavor and surprisingly balanced taste is the only thing preserving my sanity. Soon, I must decide whether to harvest the remaining foil from the Lindt cache to create a satellite reflector and connect directly to the internet with my brain. If only Lindt produced a 95% bar, I might have been able to levitate myself to civilization!
Day 74: It’s done! I have created a potent enough conconction of herbal tea and concentrated Lindt Excellence Dark 90% Cocoa to enhance the amplitude of my theta waves. Each night I will focus my attention on the Pleiades and signal my exact location to concerned readers. Soon, soon…
Day 81: What have I done?? The giant turtle has laid its eggs among the buried chocolate cache. What effect will the deep aromas of roasted coffee with the pure, balanced yet profound cocoa flavor have on the creature’s spawn? Have I tampered with the laws of nature, or broken the very fabric of reality?? Live streaming tonight at sunset.
- 93: Rescue! At last, my ordeal is ended. A group of Tik Tok influencers were conducting a desert island challenge and arrived at the island on jet skis. I waited until nightfall and hijacked their chartered yacht. Although the captain said he was due to pick them up in two days, I fear they will not last long without the Lindt.*
